Live Song Writing - Part Three - First Draft Lyrics

So this is where I'm up to with the wall song. I've got some lyrics but they're not working for me yet. I passed the guy again this morning and tried to say hello but he just looked at me with the most depressed expression on his face. I think I'm going to let him and his wall be. I think the song will be about letting things be rather than chasing a story at all costs. Anyhow, first draft lyrics below. You'll notice they fizzle out pretty quickly and I doubt any of these lines will make it past first draft.

If The Wall Falls Down – © Patrick Evans 2015
He rises each morning with his mortar and trowel
The cracks show up better when the day begins
It’s a delicate job, but you must understand
That a man needs to work with his hands
 
All day the trams rumble and they shake up the wall
And the slate starts to crumble, the mortar to fall
If the cracks start to spread, then the ghosts might get out
Keeping ghosts in, that’s what it’s about
 
If the wall falls down
He’ll remember the sounds
He’ll remember the screams and the tears
If the wall should fall
The phantoms will call
And the cries echo down through the years
 
And each time I wonder as each time I pass
One more place where the mortar is freshest
When the years betray him, and his hands lose their touch
Will the ghosts really haunt him that much?
 
I guess we all have our walls and our mortar and trowel
And the work never ends if we can fix it somehow

On the other hand - here are the lyrics for a song that just fell out while I was wrestling with this one. 

We’re Away – © Patrick Evans 2015
I love this country that I’m living in
I love these people I call my friends
I love the long weekends, can’t wait for them to come,
Friday arvo hit the road and let the engine run
 
Chorus
And we’re away ooh ooh ooh
And we’re away ooh ooh ooh
And we’re away ooh ooh ooh
It’s time to hit the open road and let the engine run
 
When we were kids we used to pile into the back
In between the sleeping bags and cricket bats
Bumping down the highway nearly choking on the fumes
Playing games and saying “are we there yet?”
 
Chorus
 
Out where the air is clear and stars light up the sky
 Where you can hear yourself and find yourself and be yourself…..
 
Chorus
 
To live to work just don’t sit right with me
I work to live, I’m working to be free
And I know where I want to be when my work is done
I want to hit the open road and let the engine run
 
Chorus

This one works. It's simple and the message is clear. I videoed the song as soon as I'd finished and you can see the very rough, late night (the family was asleep in our little house) first run through in this clip. I've since re-ordered it (verse/chorus/verse/chorus/verse/bridge/chorus/chorus) after playing it through with Suzette Herft and some of the melody and phrasing have come together but I thought it might be interesting to see a song at its rawest, warts and all.
Let me know what you think......

 

2 comments

  • Emma

    Emma Moorabbin

    Love love love the new song. It resonates with me Pat! :)

    Love love love the new song. It resonates with me Pat! smile

  • Allan O'C

    Allan O'C Point Cook

    We're away ooh, that'll be in my head all day tomorrow , nice one mate ;)

    We're away ooh, that'll be in my head all day tomorrow , nice one mate wink

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